E!tard Nation

Hits Are Supposed To Get You To The Grammys, Not Keep You Away

2009-02-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

Having diverted my attention from celebrity news for many months I find that I no longer recognize the names of the players, but the stories are the same and I should be able to fake my way through this.

Unnecessary and horrible new celebrity news blog "Accidental Sexiness" copied and pasted some other source's news of a domestic abuse incident involving two people I've never heard of, Chris Brown (has tattoos) and Rihanna (has cleavage). Due to either this violence or a car accident they also cited, they're unable or unwilling to attend tonight's Grammy awards for music that grandparents and advertisers have guessed that you would enjoy.

The Grammy Awards are named after the Gramophone, a device for playing music that has outlived the cultural relevance of the Grammy Awards.

Though the identity of the attack victim has been withheld, my sharp mind has allowed me to construct the most likely narrative of the incident based on the pieces I've read.

Chris Brown and Rihanna were on their way to the Grammys. In a car. A woman in a second car caused an accident, injuring Rihanna's curiously angular face. Chris Brown beat the woman who caused the accident. Thus explaning, in the simplest way possible, a connection between Chris Brown's battery and Rihanna's injured face.

The only other piece of information I can derive is that at least one of them must be a musician, otherwise the interest in the Grammys cannot be explained to any reasonable amount of scrutiny.

Also with a better way to spend tonight than at the Grammys, Usher tends his wife after a complication with some questionably necessary South American plastic surgery.

Hopefully he can stand to even look at her, without the benefit of whatever weight loss/vaginal reconstruction surgery they felt was necessary. Seriously, look at her. If you can manage to do so.

Unsightly. I could barely stand to caress her hair and buy her things for more than fifteen or twenty minutes.

Point At Which I Decided This Amazon Reviewer Of Perez Hilton's "Book" Was Not Being Honest With Me

2009-01-11T00:35:00.000-08:00

Although a bit of a book snob,

-- Julee Rudolf

2 Good 2 B 4-Gotten

2008-11-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

November 4, 2008

From: George Troxel, Superitendent, Mat-Su Borough School District
To: Mrs. Sarah Palin
Re: Late Graduation

After review, it is the conclusion by this office that despite your defeat this evening, your participation in the 2008 United States Presidential Election constitutes equivalent satisfaction of the requirements of senior-year Civics coursework at Wasilla High School in lieu of a passing grade in 1982.

Congratulations on your achievements and we hope that this begins a lifelong interest in education and politics.

GT

Selected Titles Of Articles Cited In Sarah Palin's Wikipedia Entry, Arranged As Narrative

2008-10-26T01:36:00.000-07:00

McCain makes history with choice of running mate
McCain surprises with Palin pick
Evangelicals energized by McCain-Palin ticket

Palin was a high school star, says schoolmate
Gov. Sarah Palin Was Second Choice in '84 Beauty Contest
Miss Alaska '84 Recalls Rival's Winning Ways

Palin education took her to five colleges

Sarah Heath Palin, an Outsider Who Charms
Sarah Palin: Former TV Sports Reporter

John McCain's running mate: Sarah Palin's teenage daughter is pregnant

Mayor Palin: A Rough Record
Sarah Palin had turbulent first year as mayor of Alaska town
As Mayor of Wasilla, Palin Cut Own Duties, Left Trail of Bad Blood

Some conservatives express Palin doubts
Sarah Palin has yet to meet the press
Palin: McCain campaign's end-run around media

Palin raising fears among Republican conservatives
In First Big Interview, Palin Says, "I'm Ready"

Once Elected, Palin Hired Friends and Lashed Foes
Wasilla's new mayor asks officials to quit
ABC News: Did Sarah Palin Try to Ban Library Books?
Palin pressured Wasilla librarian

Palin's Hockey Rink Leads To Legal Trouble in Town She Led

Alaska's governor tops the approval rating charts
Palin approval rating takes huge dive

Palin signs ethics reforms
Alaska's Palin Faces Probe
Palin explains her actions in Ruedrich case

Palin camp clarifies extent of Iraq trip: Says she never ventured beyond Kuwait border

Governor's Plane Wasn't Sold on Ebay

Palin's Small Alaska Town Secured Big Federal Funds
McCain, Palin criticize Obama on earmarks
Palin's earmark requests: more per person than any other state

Palin touts stance on 'Bridge to Nowhere,' doesn't note flip-flop
Palin backed ‘bridge to nowhere’ in 2006
Record Contradicts Palin's 'Bridge' Claims
Palin's Pipeline to Nowhere

Palin Billed State for Nights Spent at Home
Palin Aides Defend Billing State for Time at Home

Governor Palin Urges Feds to not list Belugas as Endangered
Alaska: Suit Filed Over Polar Bears
State Puts Bounty on Wolves
Judge orders state to stop wolf bounties
Why John McCain's beauty queen running mate has a grizzly bear on her office wall

Press picks over litter of lies on the Palin trail

Palin staff pushed to have trooper fired
'Troopergate' inquiry hangs over campaign
Monegan says he was pressured to fire cop
Long-Standing Feud in Alaska Embroils Palin
Alaska's governor admits her staff tried to have trooper fired

Palin Once Blessed Against 'Witchcraft'

Firing suit in Wasilla hits court
Lawmakers formally call for investigation into Palin's Public Safety firing
Judge refuses to halt Troopergate probe
Alaska AG: State employees won't honor subpoenas
7 Palin aides to testify in abuse-of-power probe
Troopergate Report: Palin Abused Power: Unanimous but Contentious Vote to Release the Report to the Public

Palin not well traveled outside US
Palin leaves open the option of war with Russia

Palin appears to disagree with McCain on sex education

Conservative Ire Pushed McCain From Lieberman

It's Not Easy To Break Into Show Business

2008-09-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

January 22, 2008

Mr. Todd Federman:

Thank you for submitting your screenplay "Governor Mom." We regret to inform you we will not move forward with this project in its current state, but encourage you to prepare a rewrite incorporating the following feedback. The concept has potential.

Lifetime Movie Network draws its viewership largely from the sort of "red" states that in your story propel an unknown governor to national prominence due to an unlikely Republican vice presidential pick. Our hesitance is due to the insulting view this paints of Republican voters. That they would support a disinterested and unqualified candidate due to gender politics or strict party allegiance stretches disbelief even if it does not risk offending.

The Lifetime brand does not wish to promote a partisan agenda or alienate a wide segment of its audience.

We did like your suggestion to prepare an offer to Tina Fey for the titular role but one of our assistants discovered that that she looks very much like Alaska governor Sarah Palin. Though virtually unknown outside her state due to her disinterest in national politics or foreign affairs, this would create confusion among residents of that state and show disrespect for the Republican party's vetting practices.

We also believe this narrative would reach an unavoidable roadblock in the third act. In order for the protagonist character (as written) to prevail in the climactic vice presidential debate scene, the entire first 90 minutes of the film would have to be dedicated to lowering expectations for this character so far as to defy credulity. The catch-22 is that this would create an inherently unsympathetic character.

Do continue to work and keep in touch regarding the progression of this screenplay. You may find this story develops more naturally as a comedy.

Regards,
Geoff Enderson
Lifetime Movie Network
Executive Vice President In Charge Of Movie

So, Basically, Anyone With Girl Parts And An Aversion To Science

2008-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Really.

Are your fingers raw, John McCain? You must have destroyed the bottom of that barrel.

The Salvation of Robert Novak: A Web Play In Two Scenes, The Second Much Shorter Than The First

2008-07-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

ACT I (of I)

SCENE 1

(Brigham and Women’s Hospital examination room)

ROBERT NOVAK

Jew Doctor, why am I getting these headaches?

DR. STEINSTEEN

Mr. Novak, we've talked repeatedly about what my name is and the contexts in which it's acceptable to use the word "Jew."

ROBERT NOVAK

I feel horrible doc, just give it to me straight!

DR. STEINSTEEN

I'm afraid you have cancer, Robert. Head cancer.

ROBERT NOVAK

So, this... "cancer" is what's making me feel bad like this?

DR. STEINSTEEN

Yes.

ROBERT NOVAK

I am a very rich and influential journalist. How much money and influence does it take to make this go away?

DR. STEINSTEEN

(to himself)

Journalist?

(shakes head; resumes conversation)

It's not that simple. We actually can't cure this, money or no money. The best I can do is take a course of action to minimize the discomfort for as long as possible and put you in touch with a support group.

ROBERT NOVAK

What is a "support group?"

DR. STEINSTEEN

Other patients who are afflicted with a similar condition and who are undergoing these treatments meet to discuss their experiences and offer emotional support.

ROBERT NOVAK

(to himself, quietly)

Other... people?

DR. STEINSTEEN

Yes.

ROBERT NOVAK

And they have cancer too?

DR. STEINSTEEN

Well, in this case, yes.

ROBERT NOVAK

Is it a group of Democrats or Republicans?

DR. STEINSTEEN

Both, I would imagine... it's not really a partisan group.

ROBERT NOVAK

Jew Doctor, about the other people who have cancer... do they also feel like this?

DR. STEINSTEEN

(sighs)

You mean, badly?

ROBERT NOVAK

(nods)

DR. STEINSTEEN

Yes.

ROBERT NOVAK

Can these people fix my cancer?

DR. STEINSTEEN

No, sir, nobody can. But it's a comfort for most people to talk with others in a similar trying situation.

ROBERT NOVAK

(staring into space, mumbling)

... other people ...

Jew Doctor, when I outed Valerie Plame as a covert CIA operative... that was like her having cancer?

DR. STEINSTEEN

I'm sorry?

ROBERT NOVAK

And when I hit that 86-year-old homeless pedestrian with my Corvette and didn't stop, did I give him cancer?

DR. STEINSTEEN

I suppose he felt badly, if that's what you mean. But Mr. Novak, there are other reasons besides cancer that would cause someone to feel badly.

ROBERT NOVAK

(blank)

DR. STEINSTEEN

Yes; I suppose in a certain manner of speaking, you gave that man cancer.

ROBERT NOVAK

And when I wrote a vitriolic, disingenuous attack on a political enemy... did that person ever feel badly?

DR. STEINSTEEN

(losing patience)

Yes! A thousand times, yes.

ROBERT NOVAK

Half that many times, at most, but thank you.

DR. STEINSTEEN

Please, if you'll dress now and see the administration desk up front, they will provide you with paperwork and resources for beginning your treatments.

ROBERT NOVAK

(dressing)

Doctor, do people ever feel badly for other people who have cancer?

DR. STEINSTEEN

(pause)

Yes, Mr. Novak.

ROBERT NOVAK

(exiting room; stops and faces Doctor)

Doctor, if I could transfer my cancer to someone el...

DR. STEINSTEEN

Yes, Mr. Novak?

ROBERT NOVAK

Never mind. I was just having a... never mind.

(leaving, hurriedly)

There's something I need to do right now.

(as Robert Novak turns away from the Doctor a single viscous tear emerges from the forehead seam between his Sears and Roebuck headplate and Federated Department Stores faceplate)

(blackout and end of scene 1)

SCENE 2

(Interior of a Washington Mall tour hoverbus, circa 2063)

TOUR HOVERBUS DRIVER

(reading from script)

...On your left you will see a magnificent oak tree, planted by the late journalist Robert Novak...

(breaking from script; to himself)

Well it says "journalist" here, but I'm sure they just meant to say "columnist"...

(resuming hovertour guide script)

Anyway, this tree has grown at this site for over fifty years and stands as a symbol of hope for finding cures for terminal diseases.

(At the base of the tree is a large memorial hover-stone with the inscription:)

PLANTED BY ROBERT NOVAK JULY 27, 2008

IN MEMORY OF ~~ROBERT NOVAK~~ VALERIE PLAME

(WHO HAS HEAD CANCER)

End.

Betrayal in Hollywood: A Very Sex and the City Tragedy

2008-05-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

How to deal with Perez Hilton is a sensitive topic here at E!tard Nation. On one hand, his role of promoting celebrity worship is detrimental to our society. And due to the borderless nature of the internet, all of the other societies as well. But on the other hand, to disrespect the strong Cuban traditions of blogging, rapping, being Cuban, and gayness would be a disservice to him and his culture. It will not be this author who points out that he's fundamentally worthless.

He does, however, bring us the amusing "news" that Sarah Jessica Parker is pissed the hell off over a dress:

Nina Nina Ricci designer Olivier Theyskens flat-out lied to Sarah Jessica Parker.
The Sex & The City star wore his dress to the New York premiere of the film this week and she and her stylist asked if anyone had ever wore the dress before and been photographed in it.

Theyskens assured Parker no on both accounts.

Well, he fucking lied - twice!

Throngs of paparazzi photographed Lindsay Lohan wearing that outfit a few months ago at a commercial shoot.

For someone whose beauty is, let's say, more internally than externally oriented, it is not the optimal manner of behavior for Parker to act so spoiled and self-important.

“Look, my affection for the dress hasn’t changed,” she said, “but what they did was so short-sighted. It’s just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.”

This kind of narcissism is more easily overlooked when it's coming from Scarlett "I'm so beautiful that people are too intimidated to tell me I can't sing" Johansson.

Ha ha, not really.

Sex and the City and the Case of the Interminable Media Blitz

2008-05-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Women are glorious, mercurial creatures.

They subject themselves to beauty and fashion regimen that are as elaborate and inconvenient as they are unnecessary. (Skin Rev-er Upper? Really?)

They view cell phones as purely hypothetical devices, storing them in soundproof compartments of their purses, always turned off when any amount of remote convenience, efficiency, or planning might be achieved. The only time a woman can be reliably reached by cell phone is when she's about to turn you down for a date.

They smell nice and they're soft and stuff. (This one's not so much funny as it is tributary.)

Anyway, for more hackneyed riffs on the universal differences between men and women, tune in to TBS for The Bill Engvall Show, ABC for According to Jim, or MSNBC for ongoing coverage of the Clinton/Obama primary race.

This article is about surviving just a few more weeks of Sex and the Goddamned City hype.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a golem, but the sexiest golem I have ever seen.

The thing is, the only reason this series gets so much attention is that stupid jokes about dicks and getting laid aren't traditionally feminine, an angle latched onto by the lazy media and recycled for years as empowering or refreshing.

But stupid jokes about dicks are our thing. Women are better than this:

Miranda: After years of odd men, God is throwing me a bone.
Carrie: And possibly a boner as well.

One of our genders should be, anyway.

Why do men hate Sex and the Goddamned City? It's not that we don't want women to have activities they can enjoy away from us. It's not that we're threatened by women getting together and laughing about our shortcomings. We get it; we're hygienically deficient and emotionally stilted. We're okay with being made fun of if it means we don't have to improve ourselves.

No, it's that we're terrified by the prospect of women degenerating into the sort of male juvenilia that we occupy well into our forties, thereby accelerating the downfall of our precarious society.

Just saying. It may be best for the gene pool if you let this guilty pleasure die and go back to reading Brontë, or People magazine, or whatever crap Oprah is pushing this month.

P.S. Last night's New York premiere was plagued by poor planning:

Security officials said up to 2,000 people - who had gotten tickets through promotional giveaways authorized by movie studio New Line Cinema - were shut out of the screening.

...making Tuesday night's Sex and the Goddamned City premiere New Line's worst prediction of audience participation since Semi-Pro.

Mouth of Sauron: The Retirement Years

2008-05-27T23:15:00.000-07:00

What do you get when you cross the guilt of promoting a corrupt administration, the boredom of retirement, and the cold reality of needing a paycheck?

Scott McClellan's new book.

On June 2, 2008 the world will hear what it pretty much already knew about the lies of the Bush administration, but this time from the doughy flaps of the man who was for three years paid to spread them:

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan writes in a surprisingly scathing memoir to be published next week that President Bush “veered terribly off course,” was not “open and forthright on Iraq,” and took a “permanent campaign approach” to governing at the expense of candor and competence.

So if you're one of the solid 20-ish% of the country not yet convinced of this president's dishonesty and ineptness by (a) intelligence, (b) intuition, (c) evidence, (d) Al Franken, or (e) the cumulative effects of our nation's decline over the last 7.25 years, enjoy this dose of reality.

UPDATE: Senator Ted Kennedy Seizes Opportunity to Monopolize Saturday Morning News Coverage

2008-05-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

It's now being reported that the good Senator had two seizures this morning, rendering all previous stroke-like-symptom discussion and speculation moot. Thanks a lot, 24-hour media!

Update 2: Senator Kennedy has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Click here to see a timeline of Kennedy family tragedy.

Trouble at the Kennedy Compound (Not the Bad Kind)

2008-05-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

As I wake up this morning to CNN's coverage of Senator Ted Kennedy's stroke-like symptoms with journalism-like activities, it occurs to me that I can recall very few famous groups who have lived in a compound:

The Kennedys
The Branch Davidians
that is all

Interesting. After 30 minutes of watching this coverage, these are the questions I've had answered and the trivia I've had thrust at me:

Senator Kennedy graduated from Harvard University in 1956.

Kennedy is the 2nd longest serving U.S. Senator.

Kennedy had surgery last year to clear blockage in his left carotid artery.

Senator Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama.

The Barack Obama campaign has not yet commented on this morning's events.

Moments of lucidity from Kennedy were observed earlier this morning (this may have been unrelated to the stroke coverage.)

The Barack Obama campaign has now issued a statement confirming the presence of Kennedys in the Barack Obama campaign's thoughts and prayers.

A minor setback was dealt to Kennedy when Barack Obama failed to win Massachusetts primary.

Barack Obama has been in contact in with the Kennedy family.

John McCain has now claimed to be awaiting word of Kennedy's condition.

Hillary Clinton's response to these events was reported last, but she was likely very busy this morning voting to start various wars and subverting the democratic process with her participation in the Democratic primary.

Out of curiosity I looked up exactly what some of these stroke warning signs are. These details come from the dubiously-named www.hope4stroke.com:

crooked smile
inability to raise both arms to the same height
garbled speech or inability to form a coherent sentence with correct words

Well. If you should ever see this man struggle with his speech, call 911 immediately.

E!tard Nation Presents: An Evening with the Kardashians

2008-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

E!tard Nation has been silent for a few months while mainstream news outlets, independent blogs, social media aggregators, local coupon booklet mass mailings, and family newsletters have embarrassed themselves with blisteringly stupid coverage of primary season.

What has there been to follow lately, for one who does not believe that a White House campaign should be undone by stupid crap like Hillary's coffee machine, Obama's colorful preacher, or McCain's failure to prevent the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria?

Neither have I been very current on celebrities lately. Until recently I thought there were, at most, two Kardashian sisters. I've never seen their show, Keeping up with the Kardashians. To get back into writing about celebrities I decided to subject myself to a 4-episode marathon, keeping a journal of my thoughts while I watched.

If you thought freeing O.J. was the lowest depth of the Kardashian family legacy, read on! What follows is an experiment in terror, fashion, breasts, makeup, and terror.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, episode 13: Khloe's Blind Dates

Okay, so I guess one of them is named Khloe. I know that the one who's famous but I don't know why she's famous is named Kim. I wonder if these names are a tacky alliteration.

INT. SOME RESTAURANT - UNSPECIFIED MEALTIME

The woman who I assume is the mother is talking to the homely sister about her rings.

Mother Kardashian: When is there going to be one on that finger? [points to unadorned wedding ring finger]
Most Likely Khloe: Look! [moves ring from index to ring finger] There you go!

Ah. Khloe is the smart one.

INT. CONFESSIONAL

Mother Kardashian: [feels Khloe "doesn't date"]

Khloe (confirmed): [wants to have fun and be "left alone"]

INT. SOME RESTAURANT - UNSPECIFIED MEALTIME

Kourtney or Kim: [we all have boyfriends but you don't]

Oh, bloody hell. I was right about the names.

Khloe: I am so happy the way I am right now. If you can't respect that, then go away, I don't really care!

All: [awkward silence, followed by--]

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS - CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

Khloe: the inappropriately tall one

Kourtney: [no distinguishing features]

Kendall and Kylie: pre-teens who somehow got dragged into this -- credit sequence does not differentiate between them, foreshadowing a difficult lesson about lack of identity that these girls will one day face (ironically, not together)

Rob: possibly the brother, a cousin, or sex tape producer

Kris: the mother, who delivers every line with a forced smile, as if aware of a camera presence

Kim: the Alpha Kardashian, though we're not yet told why she's famous -- perhaps unraveling this question is the subtext of the series

Bruce: looks more like an aging Hollywood douchebag than a high-priced lawyer capable of freeing a DNA-proven killer; assumed to be husband subsequent to the original despite retention of Kardashian surname among the females

INT. SOME SORT OF BOUTIQUE

Kourtney or Kim A: [feels bad that Khloe is left out and has only met "losers"]
Kourtney or Kim B: We should include Malika into this convo, her best friend that knows her secret dating habits.

Yes, she actually said "convo".

Malika: [adds nothing of interest or consequence to the convo]

Kourtney or Kim A: We should totally set Khloe up on some web site where you meet people
Kourtney or Kim B: [shocked, but giggling]

INT. CONFESSIONAL

Kourtney or Kim A: [re-establishes what we were told seconds before, that they're going to put Khloe on an internet dating site]

INT. BOUTIQUE

Kourtney or Kim B: We don't have to tell her, let's just do it and see!

Malika: [reacts]

Kourtney or Kim A: What if somebody like Perez or something [sic] puts it on the front of his page--
Kourtney or Kim B: Who cares?

Who cares, indeed. Of interest to future scholars will be the postmodern circular relationship between the Kardashians and Perez Hilton. Each party is worthless on its own, yet each extracts relevance and attention from the other, creating mutual fame in a vacuum of talent or accomplishment.

INT. THE AREA IMMEDIATELY SURROUNDING A COMPUTER DESK

Kourtney or Kim B: Khloe is going to kill us. [fills out profile and ponders qualities that Khloe wants in a match]

Kourtney or Kim A: [reading] He should have completed... [thinking] I think college.
Kourtney or Kim B: Scott didn't go to college.

Kourtney or Kim A: [reading] I'm happy if he is...
Kourtney or Kim B: Christian, he can only be Christian.
Kourtney or Kim A: Scott's a Jew.

Who's Scott? I guess I don't care. It goes on like this.

INT. BEDROOM OF KARDASHIAN HOUSE, "KARDASHIA"

Kendall or Kylie: [enters, holding small dog] Mommy, can I have 50 dollars?

Finally, an interesting plot line.

Kris: 50 dollars? For what?

Kendall or Kylie: There's these new shoes at the mall that I really wa--

Okay fuck this, I'm done.

And thus a two-hour marathon is cut short 4 minutes and 23 seconds into the first episode.

The Princess Diaries and Depositions

2008-01-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me as I read about the investigation into the alleged Diana murder conspiracy that there are three classes of people who are particularly deserving of dignity:

- the deceased (or long-term comatose)
- royalty/nobility (eg. princesses, grand dukes, baronets and such)
- women (pardon the mild chauvinism)

And, oh, what the hell:

- people in general

While I find the concept of royalty to be embarrassingly superfluous, I do recognize the status of the formerly princesslike, formerly living ex-Princess ex-Diana (b. 1961 d. 1997) as falling into all of the four above categories.

Why is it, then, that this woman's private diaries, private letters, and private conversations with close friends and relatives are being aired publicly in a courtroom?

It turns out that her Egyptian pre-death boyfriend's father believes that the English royal family is behind a French murder conspiracy. A globetrotting, international, geopolitical murder conspiracy. Only instead of getting to watch Daniel Craig beat up thugs and seduce two women (one good, one bad) we have to listen to Diana's old butler testify about her relationship gossip.

The most tragic aspect of Diana's death is that her hair is forever cemented in large 80's styles that we did not yet know look really stupid.

So far we've found out that:

- Diana's mother called her a whore.
- Diana may or may not have been extramaritally pregnant.
- Diana may or may not have still been in love with her previous boyfriend when she was with Dodi Al-Fayed.
- America isn't the only country with a grossly negligent press.

Is any of this necessary? Is there any reason we couldn't remember Diana as a royally extraneous yet warmly charitable woman who died in a French tunnel accident rather than a one-woman soap opera who died in a French tunnel contrivance? Seriously, were the English royals to be implicated in this crime, would their dismantling cause so much distraction and such an emptiness in the hearts of their subjects that the costs would outweigh the justice? Could the Spice Girls be recalled from their world tour to replace the royal family?

There's something that Americans understand better than Egyptian department store magnates. Sometimes it doesn't matter if there's a conspiracy at the highest levels of institutional authority or not. If there isn't, you've wasted your time pursuing it. If there is, you've wasted your time pursuing it.

Rich and powerful people get what they want. That's the entire premise and subtext of wealth and power.

"Princess" Diana, Princess of Wales; mother, daughter, princess, girlfriend, wife to a prince, onetime step-heir to queenhood

Born in 1961 - died in 1997 - investigated in perpetuity

Her worshipfulness will live on in our hearts and our shitty magazines

(Just for fun... read this post again, but out loud and in a British accent. (Norfolk, of course!))

Article Embargoed Until 2008.02.03 (pending release of Heath Ledger autopsy)

2008-01-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

draft #1 2008.01.23 6pm

suicide/heroin overdose: [insert condemnation of selfish lifestyle, abandonment of daughter]

- or -

accidental death: [insert fawning remembrance of greatest actor, father, person of his generation or any that has preceded his]

- or -

autopsy inconclusive/prescription drug overdose: [just get a cheeseburger or something, no angle worth writing about]

note: find out if Jack Nicholson smirked upon hearing news

note: call Michelle Williams with idea about sending Matilda off to be raised by gay couple

note: find out whatever happened to that girl who played the younger sister in Ten Things I Hate About You... she was adorable

note: get Son of Crocodile Dundee script back from agent, rewrite lead role for zac efron, find out if zac efron can do an Australian accent (also consider: don cheadle)

note: find gay cowboy joke for headline... no one else has ever done those

The Glossy Promo Shot of Dorian Gray

2008-01-07T22:33:00.000-08:00

Herein find selected comments about Cedars-Sinai's weekend catch and release of Britney Spears by the horrible readers of the horrible, horrible site www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com.

By the premise of this site, I should be all aflutter over these events and the prospect of easy fun-making. But I'm tired. Every time her crescendo of unintelligible behavior looks about to give way to complete breakdown, she's back out on the town just a little worse for wear, with a little less custody, a little less sympathy, a smaller fan base, and needing new legal representation.

So this time, here are the words of some anonymous internet wastes who are equally as unpleasant as Britney but without the occasional success.

Dumb bitch...send that hoe to a mental hospital, throw away the key and call it a day...

I really hope she dies soon

i cant stand this dumb bitch, i woulda banged her a few years ago, but my dick may be rotted off if i were to take on a suicide mission like that, id at least try n get some money out of it, but with all the mcdonalds she eats she wont have any left

She's not dead yet? damn :(

Take her off suicide watch..put her on the 12th floor and unlock the windows!

Can she off herself in the summer? No good shows are on then.

someone shoot this miserable twat.

This only happens because of the illegal Mexicans taking our healthcare.

I don't get the last one, but that's internet for you.

I won't take the high road and pretend that I care for her or that I'm above finding or creating humor out of a situation like this. But sometimes it's just sad. Amy Winehouse pulling cocaine out of her beehive on stage is comedy. This isn't.

There are wide-eyed children who dream of singing and dancing before they even know what money is, what alcohol is, what boys and girls do when they're alone and possibly in love, or what it feels like when nobody wants them to sing and dance anymore. Is there any way we could just leave them alone?

celebrity-dui.com

2007-12-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Mischa Barton, Rebecca De Mornay, Michelle Rodriguez, Danielle Fishel, Vivica A. Fox, Scott Weiland, Lindsay Lohan, Kiefer Sutherland, Nicole Richie, Jim Leyritz, Warren Moon, Paris Hilton, Eve, Ray Liotta, Tony LaRussa, Mel Gibson, and (just a guess) Tara Reid:

Just fucking carpool or something.

Billy Joel will drive.

Virginal Pop Star's Virginal Younger Underage Actress Sister Pregnant With Not-Underage Unmarried Older Boyfriend's Gestating Semen

2007-12-18T18:49:00.000-08:00

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS PREGNANT ... DEVELOPING ... FACT-CHECKING IN PROGRESS ... UPDATES TO FOLLOW THROUGHOUT EVENING ... IS 16; SISTER OF BRITNEY SPEARS

22:41 PM (PST) - DISNEY ACTRESS RAVEN-SYMONÉ ON TEEN PREGNANCY: "THAT'S NOT VERY RAVEN AT ALL"

22:19 PM (PST) - DANNIELYNN SMITH ISSUES PRESS RELEASE CONCEDING STATUS AS AMERICA'S FAVORITE BABY

21:24 PM (PST) - TEEN FATHER CASEY ALDRIDGE RETURNS FROM PICKING UP RED BULL AT 7-11

WAS REALLY BUYING RED BULL; WAS NOT ABANDONING UNPLANNED FAMILY

20:56 PM (PST) - AS-YET UNNAMED CHILD'S FIRST NAME SURE TO END IN MULTIPLE VOWELS

LAS VEGAS ODDSMAKERS SET OVER/UNDER AT 2.1

20:28 PM (PST) - INVESTIGATIVE OBSTETRICIAN ESTIMATES NIGHT OF CONCEPTION TO COINCIDE WITH OPENING OF RURAL LOUISIANA WAL-MART SUPERCENTER

20:11 PM (PST) - TMZ ANNOUNCES ACQUISITION OF VIDEO OF COUPLE ENGAGED IN ACCIDENTALLY NON-RECREATIONAL INTERCOURSE

19:55 PM (PST) - YOUNG EVENTUAL MOTHER LIKELY TO RECEIVE PARENTING ADVICE FROM BRITNEY SPEARS; WOMAN WHO RAISED BRITNEY SPEARS

LOUISIANA CHILD WELFARE SERVICES DEPT OPENS PREEMPTIVE FILE

OVERWORKED PEREZ HILTON FAINTS AT KEYBOARD

19:43 PM (PST) - HYPOTHETICAL ABORTION WOULD BE SECOND-MOST FAMOUS ABORTION IN HISTORY

WADE; ROE TAPPED FOR LARRY KING LIVE MARATHON

19:30 PM (PST) - SHOW-BUSINESS FAMILY'S SELF-SOUGHT FAME AND MEDIA EXPOSURE TO RESULT IN STARLET'S CHILD'S AWARENESS FROM AN EARLY AGE THAT HIS/HER EXISTENCE WAS NOT PLANNED

19:22 PM (PST) - LOUISIANA AGE OF SEXUAL CONSENT BETWEEN MALE AND FEMALE 17; 1 YEAR MORE THAN AGE OF ADULT STARLET'S PREGNANT TEEN STARLET SISTER

19:11 PM (PST) - WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA STRIKE PREVENTS DEVELOPMENT OF TELE-BIO-PIC OF 16-YEAR-OLD PREGNANT STARLET'S LIFE

19:02 PM (PST) - E!TARD NATION EXCLUSIVE: BOYFRIEND ALDRIDGE REFUSED TO SLEEP ON WET SPOT ON NIGHT OF CONCEPTION

18:59 PM (PST) - POSITION OF CONCEPTION MAY HAVE BEEN MISSIONARY

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader's Younger Sibling Who Is A Second Grader, And Retarded?

2007-12-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

Several times during this television season I've seen a competition show in which participants are asked a series of simplistic questions and are given a limited amount of time to answer. These questions are supposedly within the contestants' level of sophistication, but the answers are usually awkward or incorrect.

There's an audience of onlookers with short attention spans and the ability but not the inclination to watch a more complex proceeding. Many watchers root for a specific contestant, even though any given outcome is likely to have the exact same impact on their own life.

At the end of the hour one participant is judged to have performed marginally better than the rest, though still not impressively. The reward isn't terribly life-changing, but each contestant seems to want it badly enough to put up with a great deal of indignity on national television.

And, finally, the payoff: am I describing an episode of Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? or a primary debate?

A More Perfect Union

2007-11-27T22:08:00.000-08:00

The Writers Guild of America is on strike, which means that television actors and actresses have been making up their own sentences for a few weeks. And without work, they've had lots of free time. Nothing good will come of this.

America pleads with television stars to stay in their homes and remain mute until the adults have resolved the situation. Soon there will again be Harvard-educated writers coming up with new ways each week for you to fall in and out of love, escape from cliffhanging danger, and investigate crime scenes in under 43 minutes.

This goes for both the Beauties and the Geeks.

But what's this?

As the WGA strike begins its 4th week, I've been told positive news about today's resumption of contract talks between the writers and the producers. So positive, in fact, that I'm almost fearful to post it. But here goes: a very reliable source tells me that there appears to be a deal seemingly in place between both sides.

That sounds like a great deal of progress. You couldn't write a better outcome than this.

Because you'd be a scab.

What's The Matter With Kansas?

2007-11-26T20:28:00.000-08:00

From Reuters:

Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a history of heart problems, was found to have an irregular heartbeat during a doctor's visit on Monday morning, his office said.

Does this sound familiar? Cheney needs a heart and Bush needs a brain. Scott McClellan may be a step ahead of the cowardly Democrats, as he seems to have found the courage to reveal some the truths of the outing of Valerie Plame. (Dorothy? The good witch? Is Robert Novak the bad witch or the tree with the apples? This metaphor sucks.)

Perhaps McClellan was scared into doing so after noticing that his replacement, Tony Snow, actually developed cancer from all of the lies he told and the bile he was forced to keep inside during his stint as press secretary.

Beyond Bush/Cheney '04: Introducing Giuliani/Expatriation '08!

2007-11-22T18:12:00.000-08:00

Remember these?

Been a while since you've seen one of these out in the wild? They're still out there of course, they just happen to be covered up with bumper stickers advocating guns, jesus, and other forms of mediocrity.

Primary season '08 won't last forever, and no matter who your candidate, former actor, or 9/11 opportunist is, you'll find yourself hating the people in roughly half of the cars in front of you. Until that politician wins, disgraces the country, and the fools burn their cars in disgust.

It's increasingly looking like that man will be Rudolph "W" Giuliani. He's not worse than Bush, yet he's not better... I really can't explain how that's possible.

Rudy Giuliani continues to expand his lead over Fred Thompson for the Republican presidential nomination. Just over one-third (34%) of those who say they would vote in a Republican primary or caucus would now vote for Rudy Giuliani, up from 31 percent last month.

If my math and my memory are correct, the right wing is divided between candidates in a way that they were not during the '99/'00 primaries. You remember those, right? In other words, they currently lack a candidate of Bush's quality.

This Film Is Rated GO FUCK YOURSELF

2007-11-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

To the writer, writing team, or loose coalition of hapless men of various non-creative professions responsible for creating the script of Evan Almighty:

I will not in this letter say that your work is bad, but I will share a collection of questions and emotions that struck me as I watched your film.

First, many people do not enjoy their careers; this is nothing to be ashamed of. There are jobs that seem glamorous or creative to us as children, but adulthood and experience sometimes prove us wrong about that. It's common. Perhaps television and film writing is like that. It's very difficult to perform well at a job one does not enjoy. There are ways to make the most of this challenge. Switching careers is one. Taking a sabbatical to reevaluate life decisions. Leaving an unhappy domestic situation, such as marriage to someone of the wrong personality, values, or gender. The message is that these matters can be fixed by uninspired workers of any profession -- television and film writers, for example.

Question. Is the desire or skill to maneuver individually talented actors and actresses into an end result that's only fractionally a sum of its parts something innate or learned?

Irony is a scalpel, not a sledgehammer. You did not have to establish so early and in the first act that Evan Almighty does not like animals or praying. How refreshing it would have been for us all to skip that cliche!

Regarding the classification of Evan Almighty as a comedic work: Does the film rating board have oversight of genre in addition to rating? And if so, was your film submitted as a drama or experimental work but through accident or malfeasance marked as a comedy?

Or; was the process of writing this script an improvisational exercise in which all participants were given different genres and themes to work with, rather than the traditional consistency of purpose?

Or; was the script of Evan Almighty possibly assembled from scraps of pages discarded from other scripts that were also not comedies?

When the bird pooped on Evan Almighty's windshield and he said, "thanks for sharing," I was so disappointed in the film that some of the excess emotion turned inward. In the 22 months that I've been single, it was the first time that I felt alone and cold inside. This is not the emotional response I seek from entertainment.

When the pre-climactic animal construction montage began, it was a painful enough moment that it made me recall the mistakes and regrets from my own life.

Of the experiences I had on the day that I watched Evan Almighty on a crowded holiday flight, the film ranked less enjoyable than my fear of turbulence. Had the flight succumbed to terrorism or crashed into a bird, the last words I would have heard before dying might have been Morgan Freeman saying, "Thou shalt do the dance."

The end credit dance sequence, ostensibly meant to recognize the workmanlike efforts of those who materialized the Evan Almighty script into something that's technically a movie, instead brought fond memories of the regrettably short career of C+C Music Factory.

Though the majority of the writing talent responsible for Evan Almighty is likely no longer associated with the entertainment industry, I submit these questions in hope of unraveling this folly and once again making sense of popular cinema.

Todd Federman
Onetime Moviegoer
New Reader

Paris Hilton Feels Empty Inside, Is Empty Inside, Also Outside

2007-11-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties — it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside.

Paris Hilton, on a hole that needs to be filled

On Plastic Surgery

2007-11-12T13:53:00.000-08:00

I was a nervous wreck, but I was just so excited at the same time. Right before I went in I was like, "What if I don't wake up? Oh, this is scary." Then I thought, "I don't care. If I don't wake up, it's worth it." I just wanted it so badly.

Heidi Montag, dipshit reality tv figure

Oh, and also this:

Donda West, the former Chicago State University English professor who left higher education to guide her son [Kanye West] to a Grammy-winning hip-hop career, died Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

She was 58.

According to Patricia West, a spokeswoman for Donda West, the cause of death was complications stemming from a "cosmetic procedure."