E!tard Nation Presents: An Evening with the Kardashians

E!tard Nation has been silent for a few months while mainstream news outlets, independent blogs, social media aggregators, local coupon booklet mass mailings, and family newsletters have embarrassed themselves with blisteringly stupid coverage of primary season.

What has there been to follow lately, for one who does not believe that a White House campaign should be undone by stupid crap like Hillary's coffee machine, Obama's colorful preacher, or McCain's failure to prevent the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria?

Neither have I been very current on celebrities lately. Until recently I thought there were, at most, two Kardashian sisters. I've never seen their show, Keeping up with the Kardashians. To get back into writing about celebrities I decided to subject myself to a 4-episode marathon, keeping a journal of my thoughts while I watched.

If you thought freeing O.J. was the lowest depth of the Kardashian family legacy, read on! What follows is an experiment in terror, fashion, breasts, makeup, and terror.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians, episode 13: Khloe's Blind Dates

Okay, so I guess one of them is named Khloe. I know that the one who's famous but I don't know why she's famous is named Kim. I wonder if these names are a tacky alliteration.

INT. SOME RESTAURANT - UNSPECIFIED MEALTIME

The woman who I assume is the mother is talking to the homely sister about her rings.

Mother Kardashian: When is there going to be one on that finger? [points to unadorned wedding ring finger]
Most Likely Khloe: Look! [moves ring from index to ring finger] There you go!

Ah. Khloe is the smart one.

INT. CONFESSIONAL

Mother Kardashian: [feels Khloe "doesn't date"]

Khloe (confirmed): [wants to have fun and be "left alone"]

INT. SOME RESTAURANT - UNSPECIFIED MEALTIME

Kourtney or Kim: [we all have boyfriends but you don't]

Oh, bloody hell. I was right about the names.

Khloe: I am so happy the way I am right now. If you can't respect that, then go away, I don't really care!

All: [awkward silence, followed by--]

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS - CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS

Khloe: the inappropriately tall one

Kourtney: [no distinguishing features]

Kendall and Kylie: pre-teens who somehow got dragged into this -- credit sequence does not differentiate between them, foreshadowing a difficult lesson about lack of identity that these girls will one day face (ironically, not together)

Rob: possibly the brother, a cousin, or sex tape producer

Kris: the mother, who delivers every line with a forced smile, as if aware of a camera presence

Kim: the Alpha Kardashian, though we're not yet told why she's famous -- perhaps unraveling this question is the subtext of the series

Bruce: looks more like an aging Hollywood douchebag than a high-priced lawyer capable of freeing a DNA-proven killer; assumed to be husband subsequent to the original despite retention of Kardashian surname among the females


INT. SOME SORT OF BOUTIQUE

Kourtney or Kim A: [feels bad that Khloe is left out and has only met "losers"]
Kourtney or Kim B: We should include Malika into this convo, her best friend that knows her secret dating habits.

Yes, she actually said "convo".

Malika: [adds nothing of interest or consequence to the convo]

Kourtney or Kim A: We should totally set Khloe up on some web site where you meet people
Kourtney or Kim B: [shocked, but giggling]

INT. CONFESSIONAL

Kourtney or Kim A: [re-establishes what we were told seconds before, that they're going to put Khloe on an internet dating site]

INT. BOUTIQUE

Kourtney or Kim B: We don't have to tell her, let's just do it and see!

Malika: [reacts]

Kourtney or Kim A: What if somebody like Perez or something [sic] puts it on the front of his page--
Kourtney or Kim B: Who cares?

Who cares, indeed. Of interest to future scholars will be the postmodern circular relationship between the Kardashians and Perez Hilton. Each party is worthless on its own, yet each extracts relevance and attention from the other, creating mutual fame in a vacuum of talent or accomplishment.

INT. THE AREA IMMEDIATELY SURROUNDING A COMPUTER DESK

Kourtney or Kim B: Khloe is going to kill us. [fills out profile and ponders qualities that Khloe wants in a match]

Kourtney or Kim A: [reading] He should have completed... [thinking] I think college.
Kourtney or Kim B: Scott didn't go to college.

Kourtney or Kim A: [reading] I'm happy if he is...
Kourtney or Kim B: Christian, he can only be Christian.
Kourtney or Kim A: Scott's a Jew.

Who's Scott? I guess I don't care. It goes on like this.

INT. BEDROOM OF KARDASHIAN HOUSE, "KARDASHIA"

Kendall or Kylie: [enters, holding small dog] Mommy, can I have 50 dollars?

Finally, an interesting plot line.

Kris: 50 dollars? For what?

Kendall or Kylie: There's these new shoes at the mall that I really wa--

Okay fuck this, I'm done.

And thus a two-hour marathon is cut short 4 minutes and 23 seconds into the first episode.